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Today marks the first ‘Meet the Press’ of Sgt Lee. So as to give vivid account to the press and the public, the corporals were assembled at a parade to brief him before the press arrived.
In order not to fall into comatose in the comity of nations, I have travelled and sojourned the abrahamic length and breath to seek greener pastures for my people. I sought chairmanship, but because Mahama refused to hand over on time, a senior Sergeant of another country was chosen ahead of me. The chairmanship would have brought more encouragement but well: ‘How for do?’
On a positive, my popularity and fame went ahead of me because of my Inaugural Speech. My speech resonated with other great, famous, and internationally astute Sergeants who came before me. Haters will say I plagiarized. Ignore them! This singular speech gave the media: home and abroad, a frenzied reportage and has placed Ghana in an ‘eyeing’ and ‘face pulling’ position in the comity of nations.
Nevertheless, my deputy Sergeant, who has the mastery to leverage all Ghana’s resources without borrowing, and I have secured and brought home an unprecedented amount of money. It is so much so that, I do not know whether it is 13, 16, or 19 billion Chinese Dollars. In any case, more dollars shall be arriving. We shall figure out the actual amount when it is spent. The haters and the opposition, envious of the leveraged loan, oops! My bad! Envious of the Leveraged Resource Money, eerrmm, whatever, are going about saying that Ghana’s economy can not consume the Chinese dollar. Why? Is Ghana’s economy a stomach that gets full upon eating? Or, a kitchen cabinet with limited space to store food? Don’t mind them!
*The Senior Corporal*
I have announced the cancellation of the Capitation Policy of the NHIA. The “mere fact that the implementers of the policy failed to expand it beyond the Ashanti Region is an indication that it was not good for the people”. We do not have any replacement yet. But we shall think about it.
I have also started announcing to Ghanaians all NDC loans that we cannot pay now. Otherwise, the economy will not breath. The loans of NDC were too much but not unprecedented like our 19 billion Chinese dollar one. Unlike the NDC, that took loans to build Dubai in Ghana and school blocks, we shall give the Chinese dollar to the private sector but we shall leverage the resources of Ghanaians to the Chinese government. Aloo, Corporal Finance?
The documents for ‘devil in the details’ are yet to be received from the Chinese and worked on, Senior. But I raised a foreign-localised bond of 2.25 Billion dollars at a record speed. Domestic dollars and not cedis ooooh? I asked my American friend to bring some of his excess dollars. We went to the forex bureau and changed the dollars into cedis and then placed it as a local bond. The American friend owns 95 per centum of the bond, but for the remaining 5 per centum, because NDC MPs cannot read, there is no point showing the document to the House of Parliament.
However, inflation is racing downwards, the dollar is speeding uphill, and the taxes we are about to implement are perplexing.
*The Cash Crop Poultry and the Armed Robbing Worms*
The planting for food and jobs is on course. Sir, I thought since poultry is a cash crop, there was no way the army worms would have survived in the parliament of fowls. But to my surprise, the worms rather attacked wood plants like maize and other cereal plants. I quickly used 20 million Cedis to sole source to procure Dursban (wood treatment chemical), without the knowledge of Woman Corporal, Adwoa Safo, Minister of State responsible for Public Procurement. Sir, she was busy appropriating NDC’s E-Block schools so as to enter your 6 months of achievements book.
However, the farmers insisted that the army worms prefer to die in detergents rather than ‘chemicals’. We shall soon arrange with Unilever for quantities of Omo powder and key soaps and with the assistance from Ghana Water Company and additional backing from GRIDCO/ECG to supply water and not to ‘dum’ on the selected days respectively. We shall invade the affected farms with a ‘detergentic’ bravado.
*Rescaling Free SHS to Advanced Scholarship*
The Free SHS by the year 2017 has encountered a Damascus ‘born again’ experience and undergoing a tutorial ahead of September SHS admissions. This is due to the fact that the various funds from the oil money did not compound enough in agreement with the calculations when in opposition.
The dawn of 2017 awakening has changed it to ‘beginning with first year students who have qualified’. Really? Which student is admitted into SHS without qualifying? Sir, to further ensure effectiveness of the Free SHS policy, it shall be given to only brilliant students. Indeed, that is a Free SHS.
But for the purpose of 6 months achievements, we have given a political fiat to the already existing non-automatic promotion of teachers. We have to claim ownership of this policy.
*The Battalion of National Security*
The battalion consisting of Corporals National Security, Interior; National Security Coordinator, National Security Advisor, The Inspector General Of Police, and the Corporal of Defence, have all been confounded, outdone and outpaced by the Serbianic military skills and South African mercenary expertise of the NPP trained Invisible/Delta forces.
They are visibly seen in charge of state functions thereby breaching all state protocols. They invade courtrooms and “rambo” their colleagues from the docks of the courts. They put fear in appointed Regional Security Coordinators and ‘Chuck Norris’ them out of their offices in broad daylight and in the presence of the police but yet, invisible to the police.
In a gansteric manner, they seize vehicles of suspected former appointees and suspected associates of the NDC with support form NPP executives and some senior members and in some cases, with tacit support of police who cannot see them. These violent acts have now extrapolated on to the streets. Both civilians and uniformed men are being gunned down by criminals on the streets without fear.
Sergeant Lee continues to direct and instruct to no avail. The IGP, in defence of an apparent failure to stop these terrible and violent acts, excused that the Police Service lacks equipment and tools that will give them same status of invisibility and invincibility that the Invisible forces have acquired.
Until the clothes of invisibility are acquired by Sergeant Lee for the police, we can only hope that Corporal Chieftaincy hurry ‘men of God’ to Israel for spiritual intervention at the wailing wall.
*Galamsey and Fuseini’s Hidden Photoshoots*
Sir, the galamsey fight was going on very well until Inusah Fuseini pissed ‘inside’ with his photoshoot. We hope there will not be any Photoshop in the nearest future to further derail the little gain. Unfortunately, Fuseini’s conduct has forced you to be infested with the dead goat syndrome of willing to sacrifice your presidency to fight galamsey to its conclusion.
In the meantime and in between time, the galamseyers are also placarding your campaign promises you made to them with ‘yentie obia’ dance.
The press shall be met today, July 18, 2017. Don’t worry, if we cannot confuse them then, we will confound them. After all, it is not a six months’ mandate. It is a four year mandate.
I am only a “spectating” civilian observing Sir!!
Source: Kofi B. KUKUBOR
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