Looking back on 2019, I find myself stronger, more empowered, physically healed and an emotional bulldozer. The past decade was a dark period of my life. The warning signs were there but as a woman in love, I was so blind to even notice; when I did notice, I was too weak to walk away thinking of what society would think.
I felt it was the ultimate and that this relationship was the destination. What I didn’t realize was the fact that I had placed my worth, my life, my happiness, my self respect and emotional needs in the hands of someone else who actually didn’t care. I was stuck in a physically and emotionally abusive marriage but the fear of being judged and the stigmatization wont let me walk out. I felt trapped, worthless and broken; yet couldn’t bring myself to talk about it. I was hooked on knowing very well, I was losing myself. Most professional women go through these kinds of treatment but are scared to come out for fear of being judged.
To be honest. I knew he was a screwed-up guy. The alarm bells were screeching. Did I hear them? Of course! Did I listen to them? No. My heart told my head to sod off and I agreed. Here was a gorgeous man who claimed his attention was all mine. Who at the time, made me feel I was the only one in his universe. He has the power of garb that could make a nun renounce her vows. The sexual chemistry was intense. He was the best drug ever. The high of being with him was intoxicating. Nervous butterflies were on a rampage in my stomach, which did a bit of a flip every time I saw him. And that’s how I thought he was forever; how delusional?
I thought I could fix him; save him and offered that man every square inch of warmth in my heart. Instead, he paid me back with scorn, hatred, lies, permanent scars, destroyed my image and badmouthed me to so many of his conquests… In fact, I was worried about that then but now, I look back and laugh at the ignorance and attention I wasted on such little brains.
I was made to feel so little and I doubted my capabilities. Yet, I refused to give up. Why? An abusive relationship relies on a power differential between the two parties and the abuser is typically a narcissist or sociopath. And in the long-term, victims of abuse can end up craving affirmation from an abusive partner who has seemingly taken away their self-worth.
Today, I look back and feel proud that on that July 2 afternoon, I listened to my instincts, dashed to the Atomic Police Station to file a report of domestic abuse. That felt liberating to say the least. And even though, my case was messed up (a story for another day. Reason why most domestic violence victims stay silent), it was a journey worth it. I have reclaimed my self-worth.
There were times you stepped out of home and in constant fear because by the time you head back, either your TV set, iron, cylinder, or other valuables will be missing from your home and the only thing you can do if you love your body is to remain silent. Gosh! I look back and thank God for how far He has brought me. I recount the past now without any tears and pain. God! I was really in hell.
Mawunya Morkly, I have forgiven you for all the pain you caused me. This is a woman who tortured me psychologically and emotionally. She called me names and slept with ‘my husband’ at random. When I asked opana about her years back, this is the conversation he showed me:
Sweet i mss u soo much today hw a u doin n hw is ur seminar? nope u had a gud day….. am just at de office alone mising u oooooooooo please cal me anytime u come bak lol. take gud care of urself, i lov………………….. u lol……………………….
It really hurt me to tell u that I am married considering the fact that u wldnt like to date a married man. I dnt really mind if u are comfortable wit it but if u are not den i think we to put an end to dis cos I dnt want to break ur heart but I do care aba u so jst think aba it.
SWEET U KNOW WAT…..I GOT ONE OF THE PORN…..VRY….VRY……MMMMMMMMMMMMM…CANT WAIT TO WATCH IT…
get a vibrator as u watch
A few years down the line, opana dragged me to Mawunya’s boss, a legal practitioner to intimidate me to run away from my marital home. Well, her boss didn’t know, she was working hard to get me out of the way for her own interest and so I told him what I knew. Yes, she taunted and told me how my ‘husband’ didn’t love me and was in love with her. She will let me know anytime my ‘husband’ spent the night at her’s. Chai, the pain and agony I went through… I always thank God laaa. If we all could see what dangers lie ahead of us, many of us wont go near where we’ve been. Danger is inviting, trouble smells enticing from afar.
My friends and family were shocked when I had to give up a comfortable income-earning job to fulfill marital obligations… Did you just scream? Yes, I did! Well-wishers talked me into keeping my means of livelihood, I chose marriage. A few years down, his concubines will and taunt me as having a ‘Masters degree in banku and okro soup’. You think I had the nerves to complain? You thought wrong! It would have resulted into split lips or swollen face.
I was married to a two-faced tomcat, who treated me well when there were people around and switched off into an abusive monster once the cameras are off.
I remember Tamale Teaching Hospital, with split lips. This white Doctor did everything to convince me to report to the Police but as usual, my story was ‘I tripped and fell’; with my ‘husband’ standing close and squeezing my hands.
Today, I have a permanent headache, three lower-middle tooth ever-shaky, a lump in my breast (after being hit by a mop wooden handle) but reveling in peace that’s so unending.
On May 3, this year, I had just finished with Entertainment Review on Metro TV and chit-chatting with Elorm Glover, Ken Fiati and Edem Mawugbe when I had a call from my ‘husband’ requesting to meet me at home. Due to past experiences (having been away from home for over 2 years, I had requested a divorce and he said he didn’t have money to work on that. I willingly offered to finance to be free from his shackles. Initially, he asked whether I was ‘ready to be with a man now’, which I ignored and added ‘you’re too smart for men’. Lol! And then asked me to buy him fuel, since he was ‘very broke’, to come see me so we discuss. I asked how much, he demanded 60 Cedis. Stupid me sent him a 100. The man came in and wanted to bang. I said no way in hell and by the time I knew it, a few of my Nubian locks were on the floor, swollen face, shaking teeth, my left breast shot to three times its size and there was blood all over. I had to lock myself in one of the rooms till he drove off in anger before dashing out to report to the police and sought medical assistance.) I agreed to meet him at 37 On-the-run.
I waited patiently for him and had the shock of my life when he introduced the gentleman he was with as a Bailiff from the Kwabenya Circuit Court.
If I was shocked by the presence of a bailiff, then the content of the petition signed by my darling ‘husband’ nearly gave me a heart attack.
The man, I stood by through thick and thin, the man I supported during his constant job losses, the man I gave up my job for wrote the vilest things I have ever heard about me in my entire life. I will share a few with you, for those who know me, judge accordingly.
The man alleges that his marriage to me has broken down beyond reconciliation and that several attempts by our families have been unsuccessful….. seriously? This is a man who went to my mother with all disrespect, gave her a bottle of Castle Bridge and told her he wanted a divorce from me. Good gracious!
He said I have severally informed him I was no longer interested in the marriage…. True; who wants to be in a marriage where her body is a punching bag. He said I have behaved in an unreasonable manner and cannot live me with me under the same roof. Seriously? The same who brought blood-stained bed linen (mine) for me to wash after having sex with one Noeline on it and tells me if I won’t wash, someone else will? The same man who brings food from his concubines, eat in my presence, call them and tell them how evil I am? The same man who I collect money from my mother to buy food for? Chai!
He claims my family told him I have brought in a new man and introduced to them.. this guy is just full of it. A man who CANNOT face my parents even though my dad is his uncle both paternally and maternally. A man whose concubine called me 4 months after our wedding to inform me she had gone to separate us spiritually and had taken off the wedding ring on his finger?
The most interesting one is me being a violent person picking quarrels with his work colleagues, neighbours, and anybody associated with him… Really? Until he decided to move out to wherever he is gone, my home was open to his colleagues and subordinates. I was called, ‘Vim Mama’ by all. Never have I had a problem anywhere he worked from Citi FM, TV Africa, Kesmi FM, TV3 and even the guys he brought in from Aayalolo… phew, ingratitude at its height!
He said I was always intruding into his official duties by constantly going to his work place and fighting with his female colleagues. Really? Anyone who worked with the above offices will bear me witness. The only intrusion is packaging presentations, research materials since he is Microsoft deficient. Dude, remember the TV Africa rebranding package I put together same week you were fired? The other intrusion is scouting for jobs for him when he lost his at TV Africa, for what we both know and finally getting him one at Kesmi FM in Tamale. The owner of this station can testify how supportive I was from launching the station till the time, he was fired. I even had a program on the station, ‘Kesmi Women’s Hour’ which I wasn’t paid a dime for but all in the bid to support the man I then called husband
Dude claims I regularly physically, verbally, and psychologically assault him through fighting, insults and publicly disgracing him… Funny right? I dragged him to Social Welfare to at least pay for the upkeep of the home he left behind with its occupants. At the first hearing, he offered to give me a lift to the old passport office where I was headed. He nearly drove his car into a tree threatening to destroy me first before I proceed with the case at DSW. I banged the door attracting attention and he had to drop me off.
He claims I am involved in drug abuse. Anyone who knows me very well know, I don’t even do alcohol. Google Ativan and find out what it does. My dear husband takes in 8 milligrams of that mixed with his favourite K20 and was constantly wasted. How such a person will call/accuse me of being a drug addict is mind boggling
He said he has developed hypertension and diabetes because of me. Laughable right? Years of alcohol, tobacco, substance abuse and womanizing yet during the era of reaping the harvest, Efua caused it? Wow! Powerful Efua! Magician Efua!!
The most ridiculous of all the allegations is that, I am a patient at the Psychiatric hospital. Yet we both know who I get there to get monthly drug refills for.. Yet ingratitude on full display!
Fred Chidi claims I am into juju. He said I kept invoking curses on him daily with fresh eggs. Ei, the way I love fried eggs with hot pepper, why would I waste such on an undeserving man like ungrateful Fred?
Fred said I had him locked up at Madina and Ministries police stations… there should be police records or? Because I had no idea he was being kept there for me. Even when I reported to Madina DOVVSU with a swollen face, the CID was star struck and came to the Crime Scene in Fred’s car. That case did not go anywhere. He wasn’t even arrested. Like someone once said, Fred Chidi and lies are like 5 and 6.
And the star allegation that made my day was, ‘on some occasions, respondent left her blood soaked sanitary pads on my drinking water at night in very bizarre circumstances… Mother of all bull crap! I find blood soaked sanitary pads so disgusting, I use Tampons. The guy has lied saaaa, tickles himself and find it funny. Anyway, me naaa I want the divorce long time because the guy is a serious definition of he who preaches virtue and practices vice.
Severally, he tried to set me up by getting someone to push me to anger and have me react so he can record and use as evidence against me. I was raised in a home by a God-fearing woman who served in the house of God till she retired and will not just react to any form of provocation. The person later called and apologized because he finally found out the truth about us.
To those of you who judged me because of what Fred has said about me, congratulations! This is what he sent to me: ‘15/07/2018, 12:55 pm – Fred Chidi: I have again SINNED against my GOD and U in this latest trouble with you. I REGRET it and Pray for forgiveness from GOD and U…Am really SORRY..thank you’. Nice huh? You go ahead and keep judging!
To those who abandoned me when the going was tough, congratulations, you have empowered me.
If you have any friend out there, who was once bubbly but becomes reserved, check on him/her. They could be going through much more than you know.
That said, 2020, I am soaring higher and higher and there is no stopping me!
A New Year! A New Beginning!! A New Me!!!