Ladies, look at the head of your fiancé before accepting his marriage proposal

YVONNE NELSON in her book revealed that her baby’s head started negotiating with her vagina before she arrived at the hospital. And when she was instructed to push for the baby’s head to come out, she tried unsuccessfully because of her earlier restrain when the negotiation started on their way to the hospital. So, the midwife had to use a scissors and cut her vagina before the baby could slip out with ease.

Cutting the birth canal (known as vagina among men) is a common practice among midwives. It is often cut laterally (thighways) or inferiorly (towards the perineum sloping to the anus). Some will give an anaesthetic agent to numb the area before cutting. But in emergency situations, where an oblong head threatens the regenerative properties of the vagina and itself, then Ken’s brutally traumatic haircut approach is acceptable.

The necessity of cutting the vagina in a complicated negotiations between the head circumference and vaginal stretchability is called episiotomy. In Dagbani, it is termed “tooni pahibu”, which loosely translates as “increasing the vagina”.

No pregnancy has an indemnity over epis (midwives’ slang for episiotomy). And they can come at the dramatic stages of labour. Yes. Some babies will allow their heads to come out easily and then, they will stretch their arms. Kumbungu babies! So, when you’re going into labour, prepare your mind for a possible epis as the success of the outcome depends on three key factors: Passenger, Power, Passageway. The truth is, it is your pregnancy but you do not control these Ps. The Pessimist will think of it as Problems.

Passenger, is the baby well-nourished or fully formed and has the strength to fight her way out? Does the baby want to be born into this economy of hardship? Yes. You don’t know the mindset of the baby. And you can’t force it.

Power, pregnancy suck the power out of many women. Only few reach the frontline of labour with the fighting spirits with which they began the pregnancy. Mustering the courage to push, harnessing the strength of the pelvic floor muscles, the contractility of the womb, and the combined force of mother nature could all be at their wits’ end at the peak of labour.

Passageway, the passageway is something God chooses for you based on your physique – the pelvis is a whole stakeholder in delivery. Call it the Gabby Otchere-Darko of Labour: very powerful “Prime Member” in the affairs of labour. As a matter of fact, God designed four of them. If you’re lucky, God will give you the most suitable for birthing, gynaecoid pelvis but if your great grandfathers offended God, you may pay the sins with the remaining three options. And spontaneous vaginal delivery (SVD) may be episodic for you or completely impossible.

So, you see, any pregnancy could taste epis when one or more Ps is slacking. There are other important passenger factors that could make labour sluggish especially overdue babies or abnormally large babies. Some babies eat and become so fat as if they are going to vanish out of the womb with an abracadabra.

Lest I forget. There is a 4th P. But it is not that important unless you’re pregnant for Sarkodie or for an irresponsible man. That’s the Psyche P. Psyche is crucial going into labour. As a matter of fact, a good psyche is half of the labour battle won. It is therefore important men follow their wives into the labour bay and cheer them as if they were watching the UEFA Champions League. Hilda Baci couldn’t have done it without the cheers!

In recent times, a group of eminent scientist from the city of Savelugu theorised that there is a 5th P that helps with labour. With data so far, when this P “PEN IS” effective, then, labour may seem like a knife through butter. By the way, this P, has not been fully accepted yet.

Now, my main point. Looking at the beautiful Yvonne Nelson, I will give her a gynaecoid pelvis: the best there is in the market. Her pristine long legs, wider hips, callipigyan bumbum and round girth faintly remind me of my obstetrics notes about the gynaecoid people. So, Power and Passageway couldn’t possibly be the reason for the difficult negotiations her vagina had with her baby’s head. The passenger is a suspect.

What am I trying to say? Ladies, look at the head of your fiancé before accepting his marriage proposal. If his head is like a Pentagon (another P factor), run for your life. If your unborn baby takes after his father’s head, then you’re deaded. The head cannot come out.

That’s not even all. The scariest is the men who come with duodecagon. If you don’t know how duodecagon looks like, look for Sayibu Abdul Malik and look at his head with binoculars.

Asassalamu alaikum. I come in peace!

By Hannan-Confidence Abdul