Poor Vagina!

One of the easiest nursing procedures, in my line of practice, is passing female urethral catheter. You just have to know where to insert it. Bam, it will go smoothly like a knife through butter.

Passing female urethral catheter is my hobby especially for young ladies. You first have to appreciate that there are three openings: in ascending order, the butthole, the vagina and the urethra. The urethra, about 2-4 cm below the clitoris, opens into the moisty vestibule superior to the other two openings. Locating the urethra is all there is in female catheterisation. Call it the helmet of a roofing nail. Hit it. You’re done.

Why do I like passing urethral catheter for young ladies. Well, this is no brainer. Their vagina is youthful, stretched and every structure lies in its approximated position. So, it is darned easy to locate the urethra and insert the catheter.

However, the story changes when you’re passing catheter for aged women especially beyond 70. From experience, in 99% of the times, you need to first do vulvar toileting. The stench that often comes from the retired labias of the vagina can be disturbingly humbling. You need to throughly clean and tidy the vulva and the vagina of the mess and odour before proceeding to pass the catheter.

Urethral catheterisation accounts significantly for urinary tract infection (UTI) during hospitalisation. So, it is important to keep the vulva and the vagina considerably dry as microbes operate best in wetty environments. (No pun intended)!

But that’s not all the wahala associated with passing catheter for old frail women. Their vagina loses its starch, beauty and navigableness. Their vagina and its accessories may even shrink out of its anatomical lanes. And sometimes, one may even need a searchlight to find the aging and waning urethra.

Of course, aged women have more important things to care for than their vaginas; perhaps, their grandchildren. May be, there were time all they cared about was their vaginas. They can’t be bothered now. That’s life. Nonetheless, I crave the indulgence of everyone to take interest in the vaginas of their old ladies. Help them keep it tidy!

Recently, I did vulvar toileting and passed a catheter for a very old woman. The stench I faced pooled saliva in my mouth all day. I was nauseous and almost threw out. I had a very rude awakening.

So, I ask!

Is this the vagina that crumbled nations and empires? Is this the vagina that pushed a brother to kill his brother? Is this the vagina that made someone to commit suicide? Is this the vagina that made our national security minister to turn around in front of a camera in pyjamas? Is this the vagina that made King Charles VIII to abdicate the British Monarchy? Is this the vagina that has ruined the lives of many? Is this the vagina that has made Aisha Huang untouchable and made our leaders to put our collective interests aside? Is this the vagina….

So, what’s the moral lesson from this?

1. When you have power, you attract lots of attention, but when you have no power again, you will be abandoned.
2. Vagina is not a reliable source of power; intelligence is. Build the latter.
3. This life is not worth taking seriously because many things that mean the whole world to us, may one day means nothing to us.

Happy birthday to me. May God bless my new age!

NB: The author of this piece is not just a professional nurse with high ethical standards but a creative writer. Don’t impugn negative and prosaic motives to this poetic prose.

By Hanan-Confidence Abdul